Until We Meet Again

Around this time, I would have met you.

I knew this time would eventually come, but now that it’s here, it feels different.

For a little while, you were a part of my life.

I knew you were there.

And from that moment, something in me changed.

There were so many thoughts, so many emotions, and so much I didn’t know yet.

But one thing I knew was that you mattered to me.

Life had different plans for us. Maybe it simply wasn’t the right time for us to meet.

But that didn’t mean I forgot you.

Months passed. Life continued. I worked, travelled, laughed, made plans and went back to being myself.

Then one day, I was sitting in church.

Church has always made me feel peaceful. It’s one of those places where everything becomes quiet for a while.

And that day, I prayed for you.

I asked God to take care of you and keep you safe.

And I asked Him that, if the time is ever right, somehow, you find your way back to me.

I don’t know if life works like that.

But I hope it does.

I hope some souls are simply meant to meet at a different time.

Until then, I’m doing what I promised myself I would do.

I’m building my life.

I’m working hard.

I’m trying to become stronger.

I’m trying to create the kind of life where one day, when the time is right, I can give you the love, care and life I always wanted for you.

And now here we are.

Around the time I would have met you.

I thought reaching this point would make me sad.

And yes, there is sadness.

But there is also love.

And strangely, there is hope.

Because I don’t want to think of you only as something I lost.

I like to think of you as someone I just didn’t get to meet yet.

Maybe that’s how my heart has learned to carry you.

Not as a goodbye.

Just…

not yet.

So today, I’m thinking of you.

And wherever you are, I hope you’re safe.

I hope God is taking care of you.

And if souls really do find their way back to us, then find me again when the time is right.

I’ll be waiting.

Hopefully a little wiser, a little stronger, and with the life I wanted to build for us.

Until we meet again.

When Life Feels Heavy

Open journal and coffee beside a bed overlooking the sea at sunset

There are days when I don’t know exactly what is wrong.

I just know that something inside me feels heavy.

I wake up.
I go to work.
I speak to people.
I smile.
I get things done.

From the outside, everything probably looks perfectly normal.

But sometimes, I wish someone would look a little closer and ask, “How are you really doing?”

Because “I’m fine” has become such an easy answer.

I’ve learned how to keep going even when I don’t particularly feel like going anywhere.

Living away from home has taught me a lot.

It has made me independent. It has made me stronger. It has given me experiences I never imagined I would have.

But nobody really tells you about the other side of being away.

You miss ordinary things.

You miss familiar faces.

You miss having someone around who doesn’t need an explanation for how you’re feeling.

You miss home in strange little moments. Not necessarily when something big happens, but when you’ve had a difficult day and suddenly wish you could just be somewhere familiar.

And sometimes, even when you’re surrounded by people, you can still feel incredibly alone.

I think that’s one of the strangest feelings.

To be functioning, but not necessarily feeling okay.

To laugh with someone and then go back to your room and feel completely different.

To be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and, at the same time, quietly wonder when life started becoming so exhausting.

There have been moments when I’ve felt emotionally drained and asked myself,

“Is this really what my life is supposed to feel like?”

I don’t always have an answer.

Maybe that’s okay.

Perhaps we put too much pressure on ourselves to have everything figured out.

We think that because we’re adults, we should know what we’re doing.

We should be strong.
We should be grateful.
We should be happy.

But we are allowed to be grateful and still feel lonely.

We are allowed to love our life and still miss another life.

We are allowed to be strong and still have days when we fall apart.

We are allowed to not know what comes next.

I’ve started to understand that life doesn’t always become lighter because our problems disappear.

Sometimes it becomes lighter because we stop fighting ourselves for having feelings.

So if you’re reading this on a difficult day, I want you to know something.

You don’t have to pretend here.

You don’t have to explain why you’re tired.

You don’t have to turn your pain into a beautiful lesson.

You don’t have to be positive today.

Maybe today you just need to breathe.

Maybe you need to cry.

Maybe you need to be quiet.

Maybe you need to remind yourself that the person you are today is still worthy of love, even if she doesn’t feel particularly strong.

And maybe tomorrow will feel a little different.

I don’t know what your story is.

I don’t know what you’ve been carrying quietly.

But I know what it feels like to keep moving while a part of you is asking for a pause.

So, from one woman to another:

You don’t have to have everything figured out.

You don’t have to be okay every day.

And you don’t have to figure out tomorrow while you’re still making it through today.

For now, just get through today.

That’s enough.

And perhaps, somewhere along the way, we’ll discover that life wasn’t asking us to become stronger all the time.

Maybe it was simply asking us to be a little kinder to ourselves.

Fal Haven 🌹